Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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