Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
