also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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