you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
