Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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