shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I fill condoms, not promises.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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