i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
