when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
