Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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