I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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