Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
