I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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