I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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