i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
