I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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