Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
