I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
