I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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