i will never coherently bang her
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
