I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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