I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
This is classic penis vs brain.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
