Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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