if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
