The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
