So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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