stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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