Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
