Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
