Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
