Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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