Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
