you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
