I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
