I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
