youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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