Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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