how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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