If i could tip my vagina, i would.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
