Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
