My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Damn victory sex feels great
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
