"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
