Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
