I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
