life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
