remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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