a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
