He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Randomize
