Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
