There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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