you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
