On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
