Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
