Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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